The Decision

by Mary Ellen

Verbal abuse is a dangerous dance. One which destroys respect for oneself. There are no visible scars for the world to see when one has misstepped. They remain upon the heart, only you know they are there until one day you no longer recognize the face in the mirror.

The most difficult thing I ever did was to walk away from it. Turning my back on what I believed to be "the love of my life". Actually in retrospect it is one of the most healing things I have ever done for myself... and the most lonely.

I wrote this poem the day I decided to embark upon the journey back... to rediscover who I was.


January 2001

I sit and ponder the fairness of my decision...

The appropriateness of what I have done...

And I weep

For my heart is breaking

The trust gone


Yet the childish desire for everything to be fixed still plagues me...

I wanted you to be someone you are not....

The man you promised you were and then could not be

It was not possible


The hurt surrounds me like an impenetrable wall

Denying me access to life


You were my life

And my soul weeps as does yours

I too would like to wish away all the pain


I beat about my self sometimes...

Shouting...

Can you not forgive the betrayal and open your heart once again


But it will not open...

Sealed shut by the pain


Am I wise or the fool...

I do not know...

I reach inside and the answer is nowhere to be found


With each attack I jumped back into the arena

Convincing myself that this is what true intimacy demands

Total surrender...

Total trust...

Total gift of self unfettered


Again and again they came...the attacks

Never-ending...

Constant...

Masquerading as separate events...

Incidents unrelated

But they were


They became

A fabric woven of disrespect that blanketed our every exchange

They intertwined...

Your disrespect of me

And I of myself

Picking at my heart....

Unheeding warnings, pleadings,

Begging for relief


My heart can no longer be denied nor silent

That which was given freely was tossed aside

Trust shattered

A heart wounded and frightened

Placed in your hands in child-like anticipation again and again

Has now retreated

Finding a space where you can no longer harm it

And there it lies

Ready to embark upon a most lonely journey


...Mary Ellen

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