Fear of Intimacy: Revisiting Boundaries and Safety
by Darling Villena-Mata

Does a woman fear intimacy when she chooses a mate who is emotionally unavailable? Is that a choice she selects, so as not to find an emotionally available and willing person who can experience with her true intimacy?

What would happen if true intimacy were touched? Could she handle it?

At a recent party, my friends and I spoke about this topic. We passionately stated that intimacy can be easily avoided within the frameword of marriages, live-in partnerships, and long-term relationships — what with bills, children, exhaustion from work, preoccupations, distractions from other relationships, each person's schedules, the daily struggle and survival of existence. These types of relationships do not necessarily guarantee a place where people can practice intimacy. If either or both people fear intimacy, there can be a host of distractions to keep them apart.

So what is it about intimacy that many of us fear?

We might begin by looking at intimacy and what that might entail: trust, dependability, acceptance, humour, strength, communication, listening, touching, space, breathing, gentleness, boundaries, safety, passion, interdependence, time, commitment, energy, work, struggling together for understanding, forgiving oneself for not being perfect, being human, touching the heart and soul of oneself, knowing oneself, exposing vulnerabilites, fighting fair, range of emotions, honoring differences, healthy compromise, taking individual time to know oneself and the other, thought and care, enthusiasm at times, resolve, and always patience. Above all being gentle with oneself and breathing. And, oh yes, being gentle and allowing the other to be human too.

And the above is only a partial listing. Developing intimacy takes time. Yet, sometimes, when a person is hungry for it, a need to be touched and to touch, to matter to someone, to be special — at such a time, we pick people who appeal to us at some level but not necessarily the levels that create the foundation for healthy intimacy.

I often hear from women who really did not want the sex but wanted to be held, caressed, and made to feel special. Or, to hear from women in unhealthy relationships say, "But the sex is so good!"

Intimacy holds a mirror to ourselves, into our hearts, into who we are. A look of tenderness, words of wanting, desire — these often evoke in us feelings of belonging, of love. They give to many women a sense of worth, of being needed and wanted and cherished.

So why do we often times seek a false intimacy over the real thing?

One reason could be that boundaries of intimacy were broken through invasion and violation in the past. "Trigger traumas" may be set off. Closeness may be viewed as invasion, a potential to overwhelm and control one's Self and expressions. In the past, intrusive role models may, under the banner of intimacy, caring, and love, have actually smothered the person to the point that that person now avoids anyone who wants to get close to her.

Conversely, the person could choose intrusive mates who can take over and control her, believing this is what intimacy is about. No space to grow, no space to create, no space to imagine, nor to interpret what reality is because the controlling mate takes over.

We can look outside ourselves for support, cheerleading, information, listening ears. We can look for intimacy outside, but not until we start seeking, exploring, and experiencing intimacy within our own selves first. Doing this will then help us to better choose folks who do us honor as we honor them.

For workshops and presentations on these and other topics, contact editor@circlepoint.org.

Issue One Features
Issue 1 - Page 1
The Storyteller
Fear of Intimacy
CST: Is It for You?
Sister-Friend
Child's Death
Acupuncture
Women and Health
Internal Conflict
Old Ways
On the Spot with Maria Susan Greene

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