Question and Answer

by Readers and Dr. Villena-Mata

Question:
What does the term "bien educada" mean? How does this relate to domestic violence and "adventures of the soul?"

Dr. Villena-Mata's Answer:
Bien educado (or bien educado if you are male) means literally "well educated." It does not mean well educated in terms of academic education. Rather it refers to one's heart. How well educated is my heart in terms of honoring people and helping people to be more of who they are: loving souls and gifts from God?

In my family, bien educado or bien educada is a guiding principle. It is based on the belief that we are all children of God. Since we believe that God is Love, then it stands to reason that we are Love as well, for we are God's children. Respect is automatic as it is in the case of automatic respect and love for our Creator. Bien educada means creating a loving, supportive environment for people to unfold the beauty and love that they are. It means providing space for people to adopt behaviors and attitudes that reflect love. It means making space available for a person to reflect if the behaviors and attitudes need to be changed, if they are not healthy reflections of the good soul that s/he is.

We can only provide space; we cannot force or manipulate a person to unfold the goodness and love that s/he is. To be bien educada to others, means firstto be bien educada to oneself. We cannot provide a healthy environment for others if we have not done so for our own souls. If our souls are not happy, if our souls' voices are stifled; if our bodies or temples of our souls are beaten, humiliated, threatened, or shamed; if who we are is denied the full unfoldment of the love and beauty that we are, then the environment we profess to provide to ourselves and others based on love is truly conditional, not unconditional­­if it is love at all, and not neediness or misunderstanding of what love truly is.

By helping to maintain an abusive situation, in the name of love, the person is actually denying love to the abuser. The abuser never gets an opportunity to find true love for him or herself. Why? Because the abuser's behaviors and attitudes are maintained by those are caught in this unloving dance. And most of the time, the abuser may be unwilling to change his/her way of expressing who he or she is. They may have made their version of the world so cemented, that no voice can be heard by them nor no action of love seen by them. The abuser may or may not be in a place of his/her journey to reflect or comprehend that the abuse they provide is not love, but rather based on power, control, and fear. The best a bien educada person can do is to role model love, which means honoring oneself and creating healthy boundaries which do not allow abuse to occur. This is no simple task, the longer the abused stays in a cycle of violence (i.e., abuse incident; the regret of "I am sorry", coupled with a 'honeymoon period'; followed by a rising tension which then leads to abuse again.), the harder it is to leave and to leave safely. The longer the person is subjected to violence by a perceived intimate person, the more the body stays in a 'fight, flight, freeze' state of mind. The more the person finds her or himself in an adrenal mode, the heart will be affected, the immune systems will be drained, sleep patterns affected and the ability to cognitively judge and prioritize will be switched to short term needs and decisions and away from long term planning. Safety and keeping the "beloved" abuser appeased and happy will take center stage--for the hope and dream of seeing that human face again, and not the stranger who crosses the line and damages the heart and dreams of a good life for the abused.

Those who are abused will at some point have to undergo the areas of grief or areas of loss if they are to let go of this deadly tango dance. If there are ongoing fears, coupled with ongoing shaming by the abuser in whatever manner to the abused (e.g. verbal, emotional, spiritual, physical, mentally), the person who is abused will find her ability to go through the areas of loss decreasing. Numbing set forth by the immune systems may set in as a protective device if the person feels that there is no way out or that this kind of existence is the way to live. The person who is abused needs to undergo the grief process of losing the dream of having a healthy intimate connection with their "beloved" abuser, so as to accept the reality to continue on her/his journey of self love and to be self bien educada. By being bien educada to oneself, the ability to be bien educada to others will be easier to do, and easier to discern if others are also bien educadas and educados.

Violence of any sort which traumatizes the person's journey of unfolding the beauty she is also disrupts the adventures of her soul. Trauma is an interrupted adventure. By resuming the adventure and journey, the person learns that a courageous heart exists waiting and desiring to sings its songs and to create her own stories of life of love, peace, joy, and healthy excitement. Adventures are never easy. Adventures imply challenges, unexpected twists and turns, courage, curiousity, creativity, passion for life, fun, loyalty to truth, developing and implementing strategies, seeking help from good and healthy people to be allies and fellow travelers; developing and maintaining faith, hope, and persistance to overcome obstacles.

Adventures can build our character, increase our self-esteem, mature us with wisdom and love, and above all--adventures serve to help us unfold who we are: loving, "heartfilled" people willing to stand up for ourselves and others; in other words to be bien educadas and educados to ourselves and to others in similar journeys.

For more information on the effects of domestic violence on the overall well being of the recipients, please contact your local domestic violence centers or women's shelters. For teaching and consultation in the above subjects, agencies may contact Dr. Villena-Mata at dgvm@circlepoint.org

Please visit http://www.n2nconf.org for their upcoming conference on trauma: From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Effects of Emotional Trauma on the Way We Learn, Feel, and Act

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Bien Educada
by Readers and Dr. Villena-Mata

These articles and opinions of the authors do not constitute the endorsement of InnerMidst Magazine nor its publisher, CirclePoint or any of its staff. The articles are solely the opinions of the authors.These writings are not tools to be substituted for ongoing assistance from a qualified person who is versed in trauma. Please seek help from your local area for professional assistance in letting go of traumas. We also encourage you to do research and expand your knowledge. Be a responsible consumer and seek a variety of sources to meet your needs and to empower yourself. You understand that what is provided is for educational and philosophical purposes. You are soley responsible for your choices, including seeking medical and other healing care.

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